The day I got sectioned..

As many of you reading this are aware last Thursdsy (26/1/18) I was detained under section 136 of the mental health act and then further detained under section 2 of the mental health act, this is my experience of being sectioned from my own memory and in my own words, there may be strong language and mentions of psychosis so if you’re not in a good place right now it may be wise to come back and read this later on. 

As I mentioned, on Thursday the 26th of January I was detained by the police under section 136 of the mental health act, this was one of the most scary, frightening and frustrating times I’ve ever experienced. 

My story is going to start on the Wednesday before I was detained, I’d spent most of the night/morning out at a club where my friend was the main DJ and only got an hours sleep, maybe two hours at the most. Most people would be drained and tired after such a short time sleeping but this had become the norm to me over the last week or two so despite this I was up and full of energy (little could I see too much energy and on the brick of psychosis!). 

So, Wednesday morning, the day before I got detained, pretty normal start for me, played some music (VERY LOUD) at mine, caught a taxi into town to sort out my new phone that was faulty and to meet a close female friend of mine, pretty normal right? Far, far from it! In fact the first alarm bell should of been the lack of sleep but full energy, second alarm bell would of been getting a taxi instead of catching a bus (needless spending of money) third alarm bell was not remembering half of the day. In fact, meeting up with a friend, sorting out my phone and having a soft drink in the pub is about the only thing I remember of that morning, the next thing I remember is being 40miles down the road booking a SINGLE coach ticket to London (forth alarm bell!) and the rest of the day is a blur until I got to the coach station 70miles up the road at 23:00 that night!.

When I say the rest of the day is a blur I mean I CAN’T REMEMBER ANYTHING! I have NO idea WHAT or WHO I did, WHERE I went or anything!

Anyway back to 23:00 on the Wednesday, caught a overnight coach to London and by 07:00 I was in London seeing the sunrise over Westminster determined I was being followed by agents because I has sussed out that all of our reality is just a dream and when we die we wake up (welcome to psychosis!) by 11:00 (roughly) I was on a train from Waterloo to Reading to eventually head back down to Cornwall, to truro where I was determined I HAD to jump off a multistorey car park! Yet again you can thank psychosis for that one!. 

I didn’t end up paying for my second train from Reading to Plymouth so ended up getting kicked off at Tiverton parkway (Devon), where I walked 500yards to a motorway bridge, got on the wrong side of the barrier and saw the ground move towards me (for the FORTH time in a matter of days, here those bells? Yup they’re ringing again!). 

Anyway long story short I somehow ended up in Plymouth, got to a little town called Saltash where the police had phoned me and I agreed to meet them (more fool me!) where I told them EVERYTHING including thinking I was invincible and I wanted to prove it!…. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that they knew I was a little unwell! 

While I was talking to one officer the other three walked off to talk amongst themselves! Little did I know this would result in them agreeing I needed detaining for my own safety!. Anyway, back come the three officers, surrounded me which immediately made me feel threatened and TOLD me the time and that I was detained, didn’t explain why to me nor what was happening, the fact I was surrounded by four officers and grabbed by the arm immediately made me feel threatened so I resisted a little as I was VERY confused, one officer tried to put his knee right in my groin FOUR TIMES in an attempt to put me on the floor, once they realised they weren’t getting me on the floor they rear stacked me (cuffed me to the rear) and put me in the back of the van, where, once I convinced them I wasn’t a threat they put the cuffs to the front and left me in the back of a van like a criminal! 

Now remember I was mentally UNWELL, I hadn’t broke ANY law, I hadn’t been violent or abusive, yet they still cuffed me and put me in the back of a van like I was some sort of criminal! 

The police phoned around FIVE different mental health units until the first of the five became free so I was EVENTUALLY taken there… That was AFTER being in the van for an hour waiting for an ambulance who didn’t even see me, they turned up, talked and laughed with the police and said they DIDN’T need to see me, no observations, nothing! Not even a quick chat to me! (which I’ve learnt I could complain about as that was completely wrong!) 

After the ambulance crew came and went I was moved from the holding cell in the van to the back seats and taken down to the mental health unit which was an hour drive away (then they wondered why I took the cuffs off after 2 hours of being in them!) 

Once I got to the mental health unit I was taken in to a tiny room with a bed, two chairs and a table (all safety made!) where a nurse asked the police if I had been searched, which I had and all my stuff taken off me, then told me my hoody, shoes and chain (necklace my ex gave me a few weeks before she killed herself) would have to be taken off me! Well, that was it! They had all my things, taken my freedom, held me in a police van, in cuffs for TWO HOURS and STILL weren’t happy!. 

Anyway I argued with a police officer while the other went in to the office to explain why I’d been sectioned to the nurses, by the time I had finished arguing two doctors and a approved mental health nurse (AMP) had turned up and was ready to do my assessment, they asked me a load of questions and within 20 minutes decided I needed to be further detained to a mental health hospital!, 

To cut this short two hours after the assessment and I was told I need to go hospital, an ambulance turned up (which is when I got my phone and everything else back anyway!) and took me to the hospital! I reluctantly went in.. The rest is another story but if you follow me on Twitter you’ll know what happened in hospital anyway 😂😂

The day I “gave up” on the mental health team.

As many of you will know through my twitter, I’ve recently had the misfortune of being detained under a section 2 of the mental health act for basically the weekend (how pointless!?), if you follow me on Twitter you’ll also know I’ve been waiting for the “home treatment team” to ring me today (30/1/18) to arrange a vist… It’s now 13:15 and I haven’t heard a whisper from them yet (thank God!). 

Notice I said thank God they haven’t contacted me? This is because I’ve decided today is the day I tell them all to go to hell, today’s the day I fightback and fight this illness on my own (something I’ve been doing anyway despite being under the “care” of the community mental health team), 

A lot of you will be thinking I’m cutting off my nose to spite my face but I’d like to point a few things out to those of you that are thinking that, 

1. EVERYTIME i ask for help in a crisis from the mental health team I NEVER get it! 
2. The mental health team don’t engage with ME, my care plan is out of date by 2 years and my crisis plan is as much use to me as a chocolate fireguard! (despite recently asking my care coordinator to update she’s failed to do so!)  
3. ONE WEEK BEFORE I WAS DETAINED I ASKED FOR HELP, but got told “nobody can see you” and to “wait”

I want you to especially remember that last point, I ASK FOR HELP BUT DONT GET IT! 

What’s the point in stressing myself out trying to work with the mental health teams when they don’t want to work with me!? 

Anyway it’s a short and sweet blog from me today as it’s my first proper day of freedom since being released from the section and I’m planning on enjoying it! 

Why a “place of safety” doesn’t FEEL very safe.

The words “place of safety” confuse me… you see, a “safe place” to me is somewhere i FEEL safe, relaxed and comfortable, yet that’s exactly what I DONT feel when I’m taken to a so called “place of safety” under section 136 of the mental health act. 

those that have been following my tweets for a while now will know I’ve been “sectioned” more times than I can count! I don’t make an effort to try and remember those experiences but I can’t help remembering, remembering the fear, anxiety, dread, confusion, embarrassment, anger and most of all remembering my freedom being rudely and aggressively taken from me with hardly any explanation of why or what’s going on! 

I’m sure there are plenty of people that follow me that don’t know what being under a section 136 is like, so here’s my experiences and explanation (as best as I can!) 

A section 136 of the mental health act can be carried out by a police officer who encounters someone in a PUBLIC place, who he/she suspects may be a risk to life (there own or someone else’s) due to a mental health illness/crisis. The officer has a right to detain said person and take them to a “place of safety” (after trying to contact mental health services first). 

“take them to a place of SAFETY”, sounds very nice doesn’t it? Well in my own and many others experience it is far, far, far from nice! In fact whenever I think of the local designated “place of safety” I’m immediately overcome with a wave of emotions, negative emotions like anger, sadness, anxiety and frustration just to name a few! 

It’s 00:36 on a cold Tuesday morning, 6 officers have just spent the last hour and half talking me down from a multistorey carpark and despite every ounce of my gut telling me it’ll be the “same old story” and that the help they’ve been promising to get me just ISN’T there I’ve finally put my legs the other side of the barrier and came back to “safety” where officers have searched me for weapons like I’m a CRIMINAL, placed me in handcuffs even though there was NO weapon found, and are now walking me down the stairs all while a million thoughts are going through my head, “here we go again” “why didn’t I just jump before they got here” I feel frustration, anger, sadness and utter dread, these feeling are amplified when the officers put me in the back of the van and tell me they’re “going to get you help and take you somewhere safe”. 

From the moment the officer spoke those words I knew where we were going, this is the part I dread and always makes me lose my cool. After 20minutes in the back of the van, feeling EVERY bump in the road, we FINALLY get to this so called “place of safety” where there’s one grumpy looking nurse waiting to greet us and make sure I’m “medically fit” before we go in. After going through 2 security doors the nurse hands the police the “wand” (a handheld metal detection device) and asks them to search me AGAIN, so yes, again my pockets are pulled out, I’m patted down for the third time that morning and I’m beginning to feel like a criminal even though I haven’t done anything wrong apart from wanting to leave this God forsaken world and leave all the pain behind! 

As if the above isn’t enough to annoy anyone, I’m then informed by nurse grumpy that I’m not aloud ANY of my belongings, shoes, belt, hoody, keys, wallet, phone, anything and EVERYTHING, you name it I’m not aloud it. BOOM that’s the very short fuse of mine just gone! I very firmly get my point across about why I prefer to have my phone and portable charger, after some umming and arring and a few choice words they allow me to keep them. In my eyes I’ve won a little bit, I can use my phone to distract myself (twitter, Facebook, music, games ect) and I still have a very little part of my freedom and dignity that they tried taking away! 

After all of that I’m left in a small room with 1 single bed, 2 chairs and a table all “safely made” so I can’t harm myself on them, and a CCTV camera watching my every move (boy don’t I feel like a proper criminal now!) I would of been left with that and my own thoughts if I didn’t kick up a fuss about my poxy phone that only means so much to me because I don’t see it as my phone but as the little but if freedom I’ve managed to keep for 6 hours! I say left like that for 6 hours because that’s how long it took for the assessment team to turn up (a doctor and a approved mental health practitioner or “AMP” for short), they spend all of 10 minutes asking me the usual questions, what was I doing on the carpark, why was I there, why do I want to die, do I hear voices, what am I going to do when I leave.. I paused for longer than usual at that last question, too long as they asked it again, “what are you going to do if you leave here” what came out of my mouth next surprised me and I kicked myself as soon as it came out, “I’m going to kill myself, there’s a Tesco around the corner I’m going to go and by some sleeping tablets,  then hide somewhere and take them all”. 

After all of that they go into the office and talk amongst themselves (some of it I can hear but they don’t realise that!), after 5minutes they come back out “we’re going to arrange a taxi home and get your care coordinator to contact you in the morning” (which rarely happens!) and off they go! 

In short once they left I told the nurse to cancel the taxi and let me go, which he did, I did exactly what I told them I would and woke up in hospital the next day, “fuck someone found me” is the first thing that came into my mind as I woke up and realised I was in hospital!, once I was medically fit I had ANOTHER assessment and yet again I was let go! Unbelievable isn’t it!? 

So, that’s just one of many bad experiences I’ve had while being under a section 136! As for the 2 times I’ve actually been admitted for my own safety? Well, that’s a TOTAL different story but they weren’t any better either!

What having a “mental illness” means to me

Here’s one I’ve been wanting to do for ages, as I lie here trying to distract myself from the dark thoughts that are creeping in I thought to myself “why not do that blog now” while I feel so passionate about it.. So here it is, what having a mental illness means to me! 

“What’s does having a mental illness mean to me” sounds like a pretty simple question doesn’t it? But it’s not for me!..here’s what it means to me: it means some days not being able to go out because the simple sound of traffic is too much, it means going through every emotion going in just a few hours, it means being able to enjoy something with passion one minute and not be bothered about it the next, it means going from loving someone, to hating them and back again within sometimes just an hour! It means having to ask people to lock knifes and tablets away if I’m staying over and I feel a bad episode coming on! It means feeling completely overwhelmed and sometimes not being able to pin down the trigger, it means avoiding certain things one day because it’ll trigger you and the next day being able to do the same said thing just fine! It means one minute being the life of the party and the next wanting to hide in a dark corner and hope nobody notices you braking down… 

It means smiling when deep down you can feel a bad episode looming.. It means feeling like you drag everyone down because of your illness, it means being paranoid about sometimes silly little things, it means scanning people’s hands and reading their emotions in the street or scanning roof tops, taking corners wide because you’re all of a sudden on high alert…it means not knowing if the current feeling you’re having is going to last 5minites, 5hours, 5days or 5weeks! It means drinking alcohol, doing drugs or abusing prescription medications just in an effort to try and stop all of the above, it means suicidal thoughts, it means lying here thinking “I want to end it all right now” 

Having a mental illness means all of the above and more that I can’t possibly dream of even trying to explain!. 

And people have the nerve to tell us “it’s all in your head” yea it may well be all in our head hence why it’s a MENTAL illness but you try having all of the above floating around your head in one day! Then tell us you’ll be able to cope!.. Is it any wonder people want to give up? 

Anyway, that’s what it means to me! 

Depression – the biggest fibber

As I’m writing this my 11 month old boy is fast asleep using my stomach as a pillow 😂. It’s times like this I realise just how lucky I am and why I have to carry on no matter how bad things get – easy to remember now but not so easy once the black dog called depression takes over. 

Anyone that knows me will know my memory is absolutely rubbish, the amount of trauma I’ve been through and the amount of tablets I’ve been on in the past have a big part to play for that! 

However there are certain things i DO remember, like somethings people tell me when I’m having a bad episode and feel like life isn’t worth living – things like, “think of your kids”, “it’ll pass” “things will get better” or the most infamous sayings from the mental health crisis team like “have you tried having a shower/watching TV/walking bare foot outside!” non of which are particularly helpful! 

You see, depression makes you lie to yourself, it makes you think the worst of yourself and situations around you, couple that with the voices I hear sometimes and it’s no wonder that sometimes I want to give in to the thoughts or the voices that are teliing me everyone is better off without me and that I should kill myself! 

It doesn’t matter how much people try and convince me otherwise, I will always think suicide is the only option! Well, I say “I WILL” its more the depression and voices talking than me! Looking back at all my attempts – some that have been very close to being successful it doesn’t seem like it was me at the time, it feels like I’m remembering someone else’s thoughts, someone else’s decisions and no matter how much the “professionals” claim that it IS my choice and I HAVE capacity, it really ISN’T me choosing or me having capacity! 

So if it isn’t me, saying things like “think of your kids” or “it’ll pass” isn’t going to help! I DO think of my kids and all I think is “they’re better off without a fuck up like me” and yes you’re right it WILL pass but it’ll also come back, time and time again, because that’s how my illness works and without the right help it’ll stay that way! Getting the right help seems near impossible at the moment but that’s a different topic for a different blog one day! 

However, there are things people CAN do or say to me that might help, saying things like: “I’m here for you”, “you’re not on your own”, “shall I stay with you/do you want me to come over” or coming with me to get help if I need to/phoning the crisis team or doctors for me – all of that can help, I’m not saying it’ll help all the time but it may well do if depression hasn’t taken over too much or I haven’t had one of my personality switches. 

Depression is the biggest fibber going, it lies to you, it makes you do things you wouldn’t normally even think of doing, it can and will make the world seem like a very very dark place and make things unbearable, it’ll be VERY convincing! 

This isn’t aimed at anyone, it’s not supposed to be my way of slagging people off or the crisis team off (despite not liking them very much) it’s just my way of informing people what works and what doesn’t work for ME personally and hopefully others will find it useful 😁

“Asking for help” – lies, guilt and false hope!

It’s currently 11:30 and I’m still in bed! I can feel my mood heading downwards and all I keep thinking is “please not again”. These fantastic new tablets are supposed to help stop all of this or at the very least make my episodes bearable to cope with, they calmed me down during my hypomania so I wasn’t too bad, yet now that I’m heading back down they seem to be doing nothing! 

The thought of calling the CMHT or my social worker has crossed my mind, then I remembered the last time I asked for help and thought better of it! What’s the point in asking when you KNOW it won’t happen – it’s become a fact that the CMHT are never in a hurry to help people in a crisis, especially when suicidal! 

I had high hopes for these tablets, partly because I’d convinced myself they’d work wonders and I’d been told they’d work wonders! But that’s the CMHT for you – they’ll say anything to get your hopes up and get you off their back! 

I agree that it’s early days yet and that’s why I’m sticking with the tablets despite feeling like absolute rubbish! Maybe it’s a case of hitting the ground running before coming back up! 

I currently feel let down, isolated, depressed, and a big burden! A burden because my depression always shows it ugly head more often than the true me or the hypomanic me does! A burden because deep down when people read this I know they’ll think “for God’s sake not again” a burden because it seems like I’m constantly having to fight for the help because in reality the people that CAN help don’t WANT to!. I feel like my illness drags everyone down as well and that’s why I do my best to hide it until I can’t hide it anymore! 

The CMHT have made me feel guilty for phoning them, they tell me to phone them when I feel like my moods are going down but when I do phone them they make out like it’s a huge effort and a huge pain to get me some help! I thought they were there to help but I’m beginning to feel like they’re only there to make things worse! Purely because that’s what they do 80% of the time! 

When I hear someone say “CMHT” i immediately think of: false promises/hope, letting people down, useless idiots, constant fight, unwillingness to help! We’re told that they’ll help us! So why is it that’s what I think when I hear about them? Everytime I hear about them my mind automatically goes to all the negative things they do! Because in my experience 80% of what they do for people IS NEGATIVE! 

I feel like a burden to them, another number on their books that they want to get rid of! They couldn’t care less if people hurt or kill themselves! They’ve made people feel like absolute rubbish to the point that they can’t carry on in life! They’ve been the direct cause of people committing suicide, yet people are still trying to convince others to go to them for help! By all means ask for help but don’t rely on the mental health services because all they seem to do is fill people with false hope and lie to people just to get them off their backs! 

Hypomania – the “come down”

In my last blog, which was shorter than normal as I had trouble focusing on one thing, I tried to explain how hypomania feels for me. Now I’m going to attempt to explain the aftermath and what I call “the come down” after hypomania. 

Over the last few days my sleep has been getting back to a “normal” pattern, my energy levels have been going down and I’ve been wanting to go out less and less, this coupled with some bad news I’ve had has made me realize I’m not as tough or resultant as hypomania made me feel, it’s now 01:30 and everything has hit me at once the ultimate “come down” is about to hit me and it’s going to hit hard!”

I’ve had people ask me in the past what the biggest sign is that I’m heading back into a depressive episode, they expect me to answer with “I sleep more” or “I eat less” the usual things everyone seems to link to depression! So imagine their shock and confusion when I tell them “I feel it in my gut” – yup that’s right that’s not a typo, my gut instinct, my body, my mind, all of them give off signals to me that I’m heading down hill, obviously there’s the fact that I sleep more, have less energy, go out less and generally feel down but the biggest sign for me comes from my “gut instinct” – unless you’ve had that experience it’s very hard to explain! 

So I know now that I’m in for a bumpy ride over the next few days/weeks, hopefully not as bad as it has been as I’m on new tablets that are meant to help make my episodes less frequent and easier to cope with! Not only that but I have plans over the next couple weeks I really don’t want to cancel just because my illness has decided to pop up to say hello and try to drag me back down!. 

Every single part of my illnesses are hard to explain, I try my best to explain them as I want to raise awareness and help others understand, but at the same time unless you’ve been there it’s very hard to understand exactly what I mean! I know a lot of people who read this will be able to relate when I say this: – it’s hard to explain what’s going on in my head when not even I know or understand half the time! 

So for now I’m going to sit back, strap in and try my best to ride through this episode… AGAIN! and a big thank you to those of you who stand by me through the ups and the downs of my illnesses! 

This little Smurf is now off to bed! 😴 😴

What hypomania feels like for me,

As I’m writing this I’m ticking most the boxes for hypomania, I’m really energetic, positive, confident, restless, higher than normal sex drive and my thoughts are kind of racing but not too much! 

For me, personally and I know some may not agree but I look forward to hypomania, it’s like a natural rush for me, I need less sleep yet I have more energy, I have the motivation to get things done but I’m distracted very easily so they only get half done, in fact the only reason I’ve managed to do this blog is because I’m only 2 hours into a 9hr 45min coach journey and I’m getting bored and restless, my mind keeps jumping from one idea to another even though I’m on the coach so I know I can’t do anything! 

Apart from being easily distracted, sometimes irritable and people telling me I can be “a bit too much” there’s one more down side and it always plays in my head when I get like this. 

I ask myself the same 2 questions probably 20 times a day when I’m hypomanic… “is this going to turn into mania and are my symptoms getting so ‘bad’ that they’re interfering with my daily life” if yes then I know I’m heading for mania, also the unrealistic ideas that I’ve got powers of some kind or I’m getting really paranoid to the extent that I can’t and won’t brush it off are signs that I could be heading manic.. My leg also goes when I’m hypomanic as well, the same as it shakes when I’m getting anxious (if you know me and seen me in a bad way you’ll probably know what I mean), it’s hard to explain unless I’m in front of you and show you! 

Anyway that’s all I can think of at the moment! Probably my shortest blog yet 😂

Live well, Stay safe, enjoy life and don’t take it too seriously! And remember.. Nothing good has ever happened inside a comfort zone! 

Most of all have a good day all 😁😁

“Crisis response – update”

In my last blog I wrote about the “response” (or lack of) to a crisis from the CMHT and other organisations. I wrote that on Tuesday and left it at waiting for a “guaranteed 100%” phone call at 09:30 on Wednesday. 

Well I got that phone call! All be it at 11:55 instead of the promised 09:30 but I got it!

When I answered the phone I was greeted with ” hi it’s *social workers name* I’m afraid I’m not phoning with good news” that once sentence had already triggered me off and I was about ready to turn into a raging bull at whatever was to come next.. My social worker informed me that because I had changed G.P surgerys (something I told her I was going to do 2 months ago) that my current psychiatrist “can’t and wont” see me because I now come under a different team and I’d have to wait for my current team to refer me to a new team who would look at my case, decide if they want to accept me, then decide who is going to be my new care coordinator and then FINALLY get me an appointment with a new psychiatrist. 

Well despite my mental illnesses and despite the stigma around mental illness, I’m not stupid, I’ve been told, (although I disagree) that I’m very clever for my age and considering the things I’ve have been through!

I could see that all of this was wrong, I could see I was being fobbed off AGAIN I could also see that this was going to take months to sort out and I wasn’t having it! 

I knew i had an appointment later on in the day with my social worker anyway so I asked if I could still attend and much to my delight she said, and I quote “you’re more than welcome to still attend and vent your frustration at me” so I said I would attend just to clarify a few things in person.i left the phone call at that, 

It was only 2 or 3 hours until my appointment anyway and I was determined I wasn’t going to be fobbed off, I got hold of a friend who happily agreed to go with me to my appointment because I knew if I went on my own tables, chairs and possibly people were going to fly out of pure frustration and I didn’t fancy a night in the local police station… The walls are a horrible colour, the company is rubbish and the food isn’t much better! 

Fast forward to my appointment.. I got in there ready to start world war 3 and was determined I wasn’t going to move until I see a psychiatrist. 

I was there before the social worker had arrived, she came in saw me already waiting and before I could say anything she turned to the receptionist and asked if the psychiatrist had turned up yet! 

Well needless to say I was very confused! I was, and still am, thinking that someone within the CMHT is following me on Twitter and saw what my intentions were! 😂 

Anyway the psychiatrist turned up, I asked my friend to stay outside because I was feeling a bit happier knowing I had a psychiatrist in front of me which is what I wanted like 6 weeks ago! 

We went in, discussed what’s been going on, discussed medication, got that sorted out and even sorted out other meds I can try if these ones don’t agree with me! 

All in all it turned out to be a good result!…..

Now, I can imagine a lot of people thinking “hold on a minute 3 hours before you saw the psychiatrist you were told she can’t and won’t see you”, and that’s correct I was told that! Here’s what excuse I was given… 

Apparently I have been registered at two different G.P surgerys! One of them is covered by my current team and psychiatrist, the other is covered by a different team and psychiatrist (even though they’re only 6 miles apart!). I have quizzed both G.P surgerys about this, both of which have told me it’s “impossible” but both have also told me I’m registered with them!. 

I’m no closer to figuring out the real reason why I wasn’t seen 6weeks ago when a urgent referral was asked for but I am closer to getting stable with the right medication and therapy! 

Oh, I forgot to say, I made a complaint.. Well actually quite a few complaints to different people, one of which were PALS, they had the cheek to phone me yesterday (Thursday) and ask if I still wanted to proceed with the complaint as they had spoken with my care coordinator and understood I have now seen a psychiatrist and been put on medication. Of course I still want to proceed! They’ve put me through hell and I want to know why! I also want to make sure it doesn’t happen to me or others again! 

Sunday I was determined things weren’t going to get better and I wanted to end it all, today I’m fighting through it because I’m on new meds!. Never give up.. Always fight! You have to stand your ground and you have to fight! 

“A typical response to a crisis – my experience!”

Around 30 minutes ago i said I’d do this post tomorrow but tomorrow could be a challenging day for me so I’ve decided to do it tonight!

This post covers talking about suicide and self harm so if that is likely to trigger you please read this later on when you can!  

The reason I’m doing this post is to help people understand just how difficult it is to get help in a mental health crisis! 

If you follow me on Twitter you’ll know that last week I was away in London for a bit seeing a new friend, in fact let’s call her an awesome friend because where most people would of ran the opposite direction in the following situation she stood by me no matter what which no doubt stopped me from hurting or killing myself – for which I’m forever in her debt for and will always remember! 

Anyway I’m going to try and run through the crisis I’ve been having from Thursday night and try to put it into sentences you can understand! 

London was awesome, in fact if it wasn’t for the dark turn I had I would of booked a hotel and stayed longer! Nothing bad happened that could of possibly triggered me off, yet for some reason Thursday night I completely broke down! I was in absolute bits and “men don’t cry” but I’m pretty sure I did and in front of my friend which is rare!  

I felt myself falling hard and fast so needed some crisis intervention and fast! My friend got me through Thursday night and Friday morning I phoned for help.. Here’s how Friday went;

I phoned my G.P at 8:30 who told me to speak to my social worker, so I tried to get hold of her and eventually got hold of her around midday if memory serves me right, I was told she’d chase up my psychiatrist and sort out some medication, so I phoned the G.P back and let him know what was going on, between speaking to him the first time and speaking to my social worker he had already tried to chase up my psychiatrist (so that’s BOTH my doctor AND social worker who tried to chase her up), I called my social worker around 14:00 and was told my psychiatrist wasn’t back in the office until 16:15..so i waited until 16:30,was about to call her and she called me as I picked my phone up! She told me she couldn’t send my PRN meds up to the pharmacy in London and my anti depressants + anti psychotics won’t be prescribed without being seen first! She told me to find a walk in centre and then I’ll be able to get some meds because they could see my notes from Cornwall!

My friend phoned her G.P who wasn’t able to help, we tried the out of hours G.P who didn’t open until 18:30 (it was only around 17:30) so phoned 111 who suggested the walk in clinic, so we made our way to a walk in clinic, got there around 18:20 and got told they weren’t seeing anyone for the rest of the night!

By this time it was 18:30 so we phoned the out of hours G.P who eventually called us back (as we were on the way there anyway) and told us to come in. We got to the out of hours appointment, I got 3 diazapam (it took 3 or 4 to calm me down the night before) to last the weekend and told to watch a movie! Both me and my friend left before we said something that we could regret, I had a bit of a rant as I was leaving (I hope the stupid doctor heard every word!) on the way back my suicidal thoughts got even stronger so we went to Kings A&E (not far away from my friends place) and eventually got seen by a triage nurse who said she’d call the MHT and get back to us with a update, an hour or so later she called us back in, told us I had to see a doctor and they would decide if I needed to see the mental health team.. (mental health crisis you would think logic would say I DO need to see them!) we were told it was a 4+ hour wait, we asked if there was anywhere to sit that was a bit quieter but got told no! I tried my best to stay as long as I could but I was getting agitated and it was best to leave before I got too far into that mood! We told the nurse we were leaving and she threatened to call the police, even though I said i was safe because I was with my friend, two hours later at midnight, I got a call from the police, they turned up at my friends, asked me 3 questions and left! They were there no more than 2 minutes! 

I’m pretty sure my friend was up until 3am talking to me and calming me down! (I lose track of time in a crisis so could of been shorter/longer) 

Fast forward to Saturday, I was due to catch my coach back home which I did, got back around 8, phoned 111, phoned the crisis team who directed me back to 111 and eventually around midnight I got through to the out of hours G.P who said he couldn’t prescribe anything! Phoned crisis team again who told me to phone the out of hours doctors which meant I had to phone 111 to get through to them again! 

By this time I’d already self harmed (would of done worse if I didn’t have a damn blunt knife!) told 111 that and an ambulance was suggested, phoned them, got told I had to wait for a call back from a clinician again! An hour later they called back and told me I needed an ambulance but there was 17 people ahead of me! So I told them not to bother as clearly mental health doesn’t take priority! By 5am Sunday morning I fell asleep! 

Fast forward a few hours to Sunday, woke up around 9am! Caught a bus to my local train station (St Austell) brought a ticket to get to Plymouth with the intention of getting off my head on drink and drugs and kill myself, broke down on the train, got off at bodmin parkway, broke down on the stairs as I was crossing over to the other platform, eventually pulled myself together enough to walk to the end of the other platform knowing there was a train due in 20mins, around 10mins before the train came in someone at the station who was station staff saw me at the end of the platform and approached me, knelt down in front of me (I was sat on the floor just about broke) and asked if I was OK, a few other questions and I just broke down, those damn waterworks in my eyes broke and out came the tears! She knew what I was thinking, she stayed with me and distracted me from the train that was coming in. 

That member of staff (called Helen) at bodmin no doubt saved my life and saved a lot of other people from the trauma that would of followed, 

She convinced me to come to the waiting room and have a cuppa, all along while I thought she was making a cuppa she was calling the police (no grudge held here!). The police came along, sectioned me under 136 of the mental health act and took me to a “place of safety” who in short gave me an assessment and said they’d write to my psychiatrist and social worker (bearing in mind I’d already been waiting 4weeks for a URGENT appointment with a psychiatrist!).. They wanted to let me go with just that but after kicking off (which I shouldn’t of had to do!) they agreed to prescribe me some diazapam to tie me over until I see my psychiatrist, 6 tablets to last until a appointment that hasn’t even been made yet! 

Fast forward to Monday (today) and I called my G.P to get an appointment, I missed that appointment so ended up with a phone consultation, I asked for a prescription for anti depressants, I explained I know they lift me too high on their own but that normally takes a month of two and by which time I should of seen my psychiatrist and got a prescription for my anti psychotics which stop me going to far up the scale!. My G.P phoned the CMHT who told her NOT to prescribe me ANYTHING until I see my psychiatrist. 

So I phoned the CMHT and gave them a few choice words to think about, eventually they went and talked to someone (probably the magic fairys like tinkerbell) and phoned me back to tell me my social worker will phone me tomorrow (Tuesday) with a appointment for my psychiatrist for “some time this week”. I asked if that was 100% guaranteed and was told “yes”… 

So that been my crisis intervention since Fridays at 8:30am.. Well technically since 4 weeks ago when I asked for a URGENT psychiatrist appointment!