A little Smurf and a Big psychosis…

It’s been a long time since my last blog, on this one I’m going to attempt to make sense of my latest, most scariest and by far longest psychotic episode, there will be talks of paranoia, delusions, self harm and being detained under MHA sections, so if you’re not in a good place it may be a good idea to postpone this read 🙂

As stated I’m going to attempt to make sense of my latest episode, both for my benefit as writing about it might help me, and for anyone else that may be interested. I’m only just “coming round” to the idea that what I experienced may not of been reality and was indeed part of my illness. Professionals and friends alike tried numerous times during my episode to convince me I was paranoid and delusional, however when I’m so deep into a episode as I was, there’s no talking me round to reality or trying to make me see sense. Infact anyone who tries becomes “part of it”.

To start with, I’m going to introduce you to “someone” called “Katie”, I say “someone” as they don’t have a physical presence, in fact I’ve never met them, but I hear their voice, during the deepest and darkest parts of my psychosis I heard them every day, they were there when it seemed like everyone else had left, which was nice, until they turned nasty, until they started feeding into my paranoia and delusions. This voice is almost like my paranoia and delusions in an audio form, it would convince me that the car that’s just past me is following me, the person walking towards me is a threat and wants to hurt me, the government is plotting against me in a experiment to see how far they can push people and what action affects people and what parts of the brain the action affects, every doubt I had about the above was soon disproved by the voice saying “they want you to doubt yourself, they want you to think they’re part of a illness but they’re real, you need to stop them”.. before I knew it “katie” was running the show, running my life, and I was a passenger and main character in an out of control real life horror show.

I’m not sure when things started going drastically wrong, it seems like one day I was hypomanic, full of life, enjoying life and having a blast, the next things had turned scary, I was being followed, plotted against, the devil was walking the earth in disguise as Boris Johnson and I was the person who could kill him.. but at the same time I needed to get to him without the people who were following me knowing. I became fixated on avoiding these people, I started staying out all day and night, travelling, hiding, going to remote locations, turning my phone off and back on in random places to try and confuse the people tracking me. Everything else in my life was shoved to one side.. all of a sudden I was on the run and hiding from.. Well I didn’t know! Or maybe I did at the time 🤷‍♂️ at the time I’m sure it all made perfect sense, but looking back at it i have major memory gaps, i don’t know what’s happened to the last 3ish months, I remember running though.. I remember being scared of them and then sometimes excited, I remember enjoying the thrill of it.. then being scared of them hurting people close to me.. I remember it being very, very chaotic.

As I said, I have memory gaps, but there’s 2 things that happened during my episode that I can’t forget.. I can’t forget being detained under a section 2 of the mental health act, in part due to the paperwork I have (the goodish side to my paranoia is I requested my medical notes I’m a vain hope that I’d uncover some big conspiracy 😅) and also in part due to the amount of photos and tweets I took/sent when I was in hospital, I remember being very frustrated, I remember trying, and failing, to blockade myself in the room so “they” couldn’t get to me and poison me.. I remember smashing the room up which I’m pretty sure was the reason I gor discharged (don’t try THAT at home.. or at hospital 🙈🤦‍♂️).. the second thing I can’t forget comes with a massive **T.W**…. self harm.. I am ashamed to admit I have 2 rather long scars where I tried to cut out the tracking chip in my arm.. spoiler alert; there’s no tracking chip in my arm.. not yet anyway 🙈😅

Remembering the above and realising how bad I got is scary, I don’t ever want to get into another episode like that again, there’s a chance I’ll never fully remember what happened and never know what triggered it, which sucks, I’m also finding myself arguing with.. myself 🤔 being unsure of what’s real and what’s not, but I’m challenging everything which can’t be bad! I’m not 100% fixed on any particular idea or thought, and I’ve agreed to start a low dose of anti psychotics to see if they help, if it starts to help I know that being followed ect was indeed down to my paranoia, if they don’t help… Well we’ll cross that bridge if it comes to it, and I’m sure if I experience another episode the people of twitter will soon realise 🙈 God, my tweets get.. strange! 😅🤔🙈

Anyhow, I’m going to end this blog here! Not sure if anyone will read it but if you do, do let me know what you think and if its a good insight.. trying to put everything that happened during what was probably my worse episode ever, into words, is extremely difficult 😕

My experience of 5.2 of the MHA

It has been over a year since my last blog! So excuse me if this one isn’t as good as the others, I need to get back into the swing of writing a blog!

It’s 22:15 at night and I’m sat here thinking about last week, those of you who follow me on twitter (which is a good 90% of people who read my blogs) will know that last week I was detained in the hospitals CDU department under section 5.2 of the mental health act.

The NHS website says “Section 5(2) gives doctors the ability to detain someone in hospital for up to 72 hours, during which time you should receive an assessment that decides if further detention under the Mental Health Act is necessary.” Which is how I understood it, however, there’s a few things going around in my head, certain memories that aren’t leaving me and made my detention even more scary and confusing than it should of been!

One of those “memories” my brain keeps going back to is how confused I was, I was in hospital after overdosing and trying to jump off a bridge, not because I wanted to die, but because I wanted to prove I was invincible. Now it was confusing enough that no matter what I told the police, nurses, doctors and security guards, NOBODY would believe that I was invincible, nobody would believe the devil is out to get me and possessing others in order to try and do me and people close to me harm. Add the fact that nobody sat down and explained why I was detained or what my rights were and it made this a VERY confusing night & day.

What i remember of last week is some what limited, I guess the heightened emotions and general confusion is something my brain doesn’t want to remember, but I do remember constantly asking to go for a walk, I just wanted to walk and walk and walk.. preferably back to the bridge, but mostly just walk! But the first set of security guards wouldn’t let me leave CDU.. so I paced up and down that corridor, up and down, up and down.. most of the early hours until I finally accepted the offer of medication, on the agreement it was the diazepam I had in my bag and I saw the nurse take it out of the packet so I knew it was mine, I knew it was diazepam and it wasn’t their poison.. that stopped me walking up and down the corridor for roughly 30mins (according to my notes) and then I was up again and asking to go out again! Nope! The more I asked the more it was denied and the more I got frustrated!

The walking/pacing continued until 08:00, I remember the time well as it was the change over time for security and I had, what I thought was a very clever plan.. just sit down! Sit down act calm and then ask the new security guards if I could go for a walk.. this of course didn’t work as the old security team told the new lot “be careful, he’s good at finding exits”, 2 hours later when I was “alseep” security snuck off to A&E and I did what I do best and escaped.. for all of 30min until the police caught up with me.. it turns out that if you escape, the police DO have powers under 5.2 of the MHA to return you to the hospital you escaped from.. Well you learn something new everyday!

When I got brought back by the police, they had a word with the nurses and security (who weren’t pleased I gave them the slip) and explained that all I wanted to do was walk! (I’ve read my notes since and the doctor described me as presenting “with hypomania with psychotic symptoms”, if they knew their shit they’d realise that restricting someone who has a strong urge to move around and has a LOT of energy (i did over 30,000 steps in that hospital within 8 hours of the day) isn’t the wisest of moves! I appreciate that some people ask to go for walks and do the grate escape but I literally wanted to just walk, I even offered to leave all my stuff behind and take my shoes off so I couldn’t run very far!

Apart from the fact nobody sat down with me to explain things, and I wasn’t allowed out for a walk, I do remember security offering to take me to the shops, I was refusing any drink unless it was a sealed bottle, wouldn’t let the nurses near me with any needle to do the blood test because I was convinced that they would of laced it with poison or sedatives, yet kept asking for a drink.. I just wanted it sealed so I knew it wasn’t poisoned! Anyway eventually they offered to take me to the 24hour shop, as long as I agreed to sit in a wheelchair and be pushed there so i wouldn’t run away (how this would of stopped me i don’t know 🤷‍♂️). Another good occasion was with a proper “bed watcher” security guard, he offered to take me to the shops and even let me go for a walk with him around the hospital grounds.. every time he noticed my “warning signs” of getting restless and my restless leg kicking in he’d say “shall we go for a walk” which would help calm me, after a walk and a rant to him I’d happily go back in. It was those little things that made things easier, its just a shame they wouldn’t let me go walking earlier, it could of prevented so much distress and potentially stop me getting so frustrated to the extent I needed to just go.. I had no plan of where to go, all I knew at the time was there was a voice telling me “this is your chance, quick, run, run, they’re going to hurt you, run!”

Anyway, that’s my experience of my second detention under 5(2) of the MHA, I’m still not feeling 100% clear, my heads all over the place and I still have very strong thoughts about proving I’m invincible and stopping the devil, but they don’t feel as “urgent” to act on as that night.. nothing has changed, I had my assessment and they said they’d write to my GP to suggest he made another referral to the ICMHT (that’s another ongoing issue that my twitter followers will no doubt know about) but I’ve heard nothing as yet! In the mean time I’m stuck here, questioning reality, with everyone around me telling me what is happening to me, what I’m seeing and feeling isn’t right, that its psychosis and I need help, I can’t get my head around how I can be ill, if I’m ill then surely I’d know it? Surely I’d have some doubt about the devil and what i need to do, but I have NO doubt whatsoever..

Anyway, i hope this blog makes sense and gives people an insight into how scary it is to be “detained” and have your freedom taken away.

How my PTSD “resurfaced”

Hi all! I haven’t done a blog in a while but I wanted to write about how something that’s happened to me recently has triggered off some PTSD symptoms I thought I’d buried, hopefully writing about this will help others in a similar situation know they’re not alone.. As usual this blog comes with a big trigger warning, it talks about suicide, suicide attempts, methods and PTSD triggers, if any of that is likely to upset you I’d advise you come back to this at a later date 😊

Before I tell you what happened I think now is a good time to explain something – (those of you who have read my previous blogs will already know this but there’s talks of suicide and suicide methods coming up) 6 years ago my girlfriend killed herself, I was the one to find her on the kitchen floor with blood everywhere, it was like something out of a horror movie had played out right in front of me – she’d cut her wrist and by the time I found her there was absolutely nothing I could do, believe me I tried.

If you have followed me on twitter recently you will know that things have been tough with mammy smurf, she’s been struggling with her MH and has self harmed recently. (talks about methods of self harm coming up) the other week she had cut her arm and took some sleeping tablets, she’d told a Facebook friend she had done this which resulted in the ambulance being called.. Long story short she didn’t answer the door, the ambulance crew knew me and knew I had a key so came and woke me up so they could gain entry, all they told me was she’d called an ambulance, nothing more than that.. I was SO NOT ready for what I was about to walk into – a scene unfold in front of me that felt like I had just been transport back in time. I walked in my mams caravan to find her unconscious on her sofa with blood dripping from her arm, in that split second I honestly thought she was dead, it was only once I saw her chest moving I knew she was alive and I let out a sigh of relief as the paramedics followed me in.

That seemingly small thing (small ish compared to other stuff I’ve seen and been through) has been affecting me ever since, my mam doesn’t know this but seeing her like that has brought all the nightmares and flashbacks thundering back, I thought I’d buried them deep inside a long time ago, it turns out you can’t get rid of these demons that easy, they seem to lie dormant, waiting for the ideal time to strike and remind you that they’re still there.. Still apart of you… The nightmares, the emotional and vision flashbacks, waking up with sweat pouring off me as I slowly regain clarity of my surroundings and slowly realise that I’m not back there, that I’m actually in my bedroom and it was yet again another night terror, all of that and so much more that I thought I had dealt with and buried, it’s all come thundering back to the surface. I don’t know how I’m going to cope with it, and it feels like I’ve gone back in time, that I’ve had a major set back in my recovery, but I hope that by sharing this experience, if someone is or has gone through something similar they might take just a little bit of comfort in knowing that they’re not alone, we’re not going through the same things, but if you’re finding yourself struggling again when you thought you’d dealt with or coped with it all, I hope you can take some comfort in knowing that others are going through similar things.. I don’t have any answers on how things get better but I do hold hope that they will 🤞

How my PTSD “resurfaced”

A little update.

Hi all! Wow, it’s been 5 months since my last blog! I’ve been thinking about doing one for ages, but couldn’t think what I wanted to write about!

I’ll do a little update – I know quite a few people are interested in the struggles mental illnesses and the mental health services bring.

Just before Christmas I discharged myself from my local CMHT! This is something I’ve been thinking about doing for a very long time. Mostly because i’m fed up with them, I’m fed up with their lies, I’m fed with them not supporting people like they’re supposed to and, (this was the final straw) I’m fed up of being shouted at by my care coordinator just because I called her out on her lies.

The months leading up to my discharge hadn’t been going too well, early in the year my DBT therapist agreed with me that DBT wasn’t working for me and that we’d discuss a different type of therapy (CAT) in our next session – our next session never happened. The day our session was supposed to happen she text me to say her car had broken down, the following week I text to make sure our appointment was still on and had no reply, multiple texts and calls later I still had nothing! I even asked my care coordinator at the time to chase it up but, she got nowhere as well! A good 6months+ (just before Christmas) I found out she had discharged me and put down I wasn’t engaging! – how can I engage with someone who doesn’t answer their calls or texts!?

After a couple months of not hearing from my therapist I asked for a new care coordinator, my current one didn’t *seem* to be doing much in the way of helping me, little did I know at the time she was in fact doing a lot to try and help me but just wasn’t telling me!

Skip forward again a month or two, to around October and along comes my new care coordinator, I thought things were going to get better with a “clean slate” so to speak.. oh how very wrong I was!

I’ll keep this as short as possible or I’ll still be typing in a month’s time 😂 – over 2 or 3 appointments I explained everything I felt needed to happen, from sorting out my medication to sorting out therapy and she seemed to want to help, all be it seemingly clueless at the same time.

I asked for a psychiatrist appointment and i got it – the problem was the letter was never sent out to tell me of this appointment and as skilled as I am I haven’t quite managed to read minds in order to know about appointments nobody has told me about! There’s was a very brief mention of this appointment in an email from my care coordinator, but a few days later I got another email off her telling me she’s cancelling the appointment as she’s not well – I assumed that we had mixed messages somewhere and that my appointment I thought was with my psychiatrist was actually with my care coordinator (well, why would she be cancelling an appointment because she’s not well if that appointment wasn’t with her?). It later transpired that the appointment she cancelled was indeed with my psychiatrist!

Once my care coordinator was back we had another appointment where I asked about my psychiatrist appointment, she told me that I’d missed the appointment but that’s to be expected as she could see a letter was never sent out! So she asked for another appointment with my psychiatrist and luckily there was one in December.. this appointment was where it all went very, very wrong for both me and my care coordinator.

Just before my psychiatrist appointment in December (about a week before) I had a major mental health crisis. I had a crisis on a Friday, after contact with both police and the CMHT duty team I was told in no uncertain terms to twiddle my fingers over the weekend and they’d offer me an appointment with the duty team on Monday as my care coordinator is off – Monday came and I phoned CMHT to ask for the duty team, I was told I would get a call back from them and I got a call a couple hours later from my care coordinator, incase you’re wondering that’s the same care coordinator that the duty team told me was off 🤔 … I told her I didn’t feel safe and needed help as I was unable to keep myself safe until our next appointment which was the following Friday. A few calls, texts and emails later she told me.. to wait until Friday (despite me telling her I’m unable to keep myself safe) and to go to my doctor about medication – oh, I almost forgot to tell you all – the Friday I had a crisis and contact with the duty team I also saw my GP, she told me that she had been told by the CMHT and I quote “to not give you any medication or offer help as it’ll help you more not to help”.. I’m not sure what kind of statement that is but it’s utter bulls**t.

So I asked for help as all those stupid, pointless campaigns keep telling us to do and where exactly did it get me? Nowhere because two days after I spoke to my care coordinator and was told to wait until Friday I ended up overdosing on my tablets – something that *may* of been prevented had my care coordinator followed my agreed crisis plan which says to help me get medication from my GP, offer a emergency appointment with my care coordinator, or if unavailable then the duty team and contact my psychiatrist about an appointment ( that was already in motion granted ) I’m only a little blue smurf and all but I’m struggling to see the point in having an agreed plan between a patient and a professional if said professional isn’t going to follow the agreed plan 🤔.

Anyway, fast forward a week or two to just before Christmas and to my “emergency” psychiatrist appointment. (it only took them the best part of 12months I guess 🙄) my care coordinator turned up before my psychiatrist, she took this as an opportunity to have ago at me, I can’t remember how but somehow me missing the previous psychiatrist appointment was brought up and I mentioned that I didn’t get the letter and proceeded to mention that it was because the letter was never sent out which my care coordinator told me in my last appointment, my care coordinator started to SHOUT at me that she never said any such thing and she said she couldn’t see the letter on the system ect ect.. the fact that she was lying to me and shouting at me at the same time combined with how useless she had been over the last few months was the last straw, I was about to tell her to go do untold things to herself and walk out when my psychiatrist walked in – I don’t think my care co realised how lucky she was that day, if my psychiatrist hadn’t walked in she would of got both barrels and I would if been going through every office door in the building until I found her manager!. Anyway as I said, my psychiatrist walked in, we discussed medication ect and once that was sorted I asked if she could write a letter to my GP telling them how and when to increase my tablets as I want to discharge myself from the CMHTs care.

I asked to be discharged not only because of my care coordinator not helping and the CMHT constantly lying but also because I found out some interesting information in that appointment, I found out my therapist said I wasn’t engaging even though she was the one not answering my calls and texts, I found out that someone during a 136 assessment (where they only see you for approx 10mins) had put anti social personality disorder on my records (they had no right to do that and even my psychiatrist questioned that as I’ve been under her care for 2 years and show next to no traits of ASPD), someone also put that I have history of violence.. I think that may of come about when I was in hospital and tried to escape, anyone that’s ever been to a psychiatric hospital will know how truly terrifying it is, I’m not the first and won’t be the last to try and escape but at no point was I violent towards staff of other patients.

Anyway, the last 7 years of the CMHT refusing to help me plus the couple months leading up to Christmas has taken its toll on me and I’ve finally been discharged from the CMHT, I’ve got the email from December to say I’ve been discharged and there will be a letter sent out to confirm it as well (2 months later, i’m still waiting for the letter 🤔🙄)

All is far from well and I’m still struggling but it’s far less stressful now the CMHT are out of my life!

P.S the next time you want to tell someone to “ask for help” remember the people that have been let down when they asked for help, there’s plenty of us around.

How it feels to be “manic” – A smurfs experience.

Hi all! Wow, it’s been well over a year if not two since I did my last blog! So many things have been happening!

I’ve wanted to talk about this subject for quite a while on here, it’s just between a hectic work life and a hectic social life combined with my mental illnesses throwing new things my way, I haven’t got round to doing it up until now.

Here goes nothing – my raw, uncut experience of being manic

If you don’t know much about mania, from the outside looking in it can seem like fun – going out all night, surviving on a couple hours sleep a night sometimes non at all, constant energy, loads of confidence and a sex drive that would put any dog on heat to shame!

That’s what it *looks* like from the outside doesn’t it? It looks fun? Well let me give you a glimpse into what mania is truly like for me – hold on tight, this is going to be a bumpy ride that may well leave you with more questions than answers 🤔🙈

Mania for me, at the time I’m experiencing it is fun, it’s fun but it’s confusing, it’s heaven and it’s hell, it’s the ultimate high and the darkest hell mixed into one!

let’s start with why its fun – I have ultimate energy rushing through my vains, I feel like I can do anything, I have both the energy, motivation and confidence to do it, there’s no concept of danger and no restrictions in my mind, I need very little, sometimes no sleep at all – I often spend most of the night either out partying, cleaning my home or attempting to put all the fantastic ideas flying around my head onto paper!

Sounds brilliant doesn’t it?.. this is where it gets scary – the bits you don’t see – you don’t see the dark thoughts about the devil chasing me and how its going to kill people close to me if I don’t jump off a bridge to prove I’m invincible, you don’t see how my mind tricks me into believing everyone is against me including my family and lover, you don’t see the dark shadows chasing me around, you don’t hear the voices telling me people will get hurt if I don’t jump off that bridge soon.. you don’t hear the voices telling me my grandad died because i didn’t stop the devil, you don’t hear it telling me my mum is suicidal because of me.. you don’t hear it telling me to jump off the B.T tower in London on the next full moon in order to prove to the devil I’m stronger than it (that one is still in my mind to this day, in fact it’s the most recent one!).. you don’t see or feel the confusion and frustration when people try to tell me I’m ill when I don’t feel it – all of the above is 100% right and 100% true in my head, yet people telling me I’m ill and need help are just as convincing.. it’s not all as fun as it seems from the outside looking in!

The unlimited energy eventually gets too much, the flying thoughts just get faster and faster and before I know it I’m in a total different world to everyone else where they’re all against me!

Like I said – it’s fun but it’s hell!

Coping with intense emotions and making good decisions

Hello again all! Two blogs within a week, aren’t I treating you 😂

As I’m writing this I’m lying down in someone’s spare room, they’ve very, very kindly offered me their spare room so it’s a lot easier to see my little boy who’s currently in ICU, strapped to all sorts of strange machines but fighting on as always 😊 – it’s safe to say it’s been a very emotional week.

I’ve gone off for a early ish night as I haven’t been sleeping much but yet again I find myself unable to sleep due to my mind racing! The surprising thing is its not the fact my boy is in hospital that’s racing through my mind ( although that is one of the main things on my mind – even if I do try to hide it sometimes! ), it is however racing about things linked to that – thinking about buses, coaches, work commitments and other stuff that quite frankly my brain doesn’t NEED TO think about at nearly midnight, however it seems to keep jumping to them! I guess it’s down to one of my many coping strategies I use when faced with a difficult situation – distraction so I’m not overwhelmed and can make the best decisions possible (something I’m still improving on)

Over the last few months I’ve been seeing someone on a almost monthly basis – it started off as a bit of fun and then our emotions took over – it’s safe to say we’re now hooked on each other and the “L word” (love) that I very rarely use as I wasn’t looking for a relationship has been used! None of this was planned, we just kind of clicked and seem to make a fantastic team 😊

Anyway enough of that lovey dovey stuff for a minute and back to the topic at hand – on my last visit to hers for a couple of days, there was a statement made – “I wish I knew when you were panicking” and I’m glad that that was said because without her realising it she helped reassure me I’m holding it together well!

Sounds strange doesn’t it? But one of the key elements I’ve figured out about trying to cope with any stressful/emotional event is keeping your cool! Here’s why – emotions are powerful things, they can overwhelm us, cloud our judgment, thinking, feelings and ability to plan and make good decisions, basically it effects most parts of the brain! – I guess that’s why most people panic and feel like they’re not in control when something happens that wasn’t planned for, after all most of us are planners – plan for work, days out, meeting with friends, anything and everything most of the population love to plan in advance! Which is all well and good until something happens that isn’t in the plan, then all hell breaks loose!

There’s 3 main things I think of when the sh*t hits the fan and I need to reevaluate my options:

What am I in control of – as explained above we as humans love to feel in control, if things don’t go to plan we don’t feel in control and therefore panic – but the one thing we’re always in control of is a very powerful and crucial tool to help us cope and make good decisions when everybody else is panicking, and that’s our breathing (i will explain all in a minute)
Do i HAVE to react now – this is a really difficult one for me as I’m naturally impulsive and want to do everything right NOW! The problem with that in a crisis is you don’t always have time to think of how to react best and keep yourself and others safe!
What are my options – can I delay this so I can think my options through and make the best decisions

So a crisis happens: first things first don’t panic, take a step back – we’re still in control – we’re in control of our breathing – notice it, slow it down and concentrate on keeping it slow, this helps cope with the natural response to stress or a event our mind sees as a threat to us – the fight of flight mode! The sudden rush of adrenaline that helps us either fight the threat or run away from it! – fantastic when you need to act physically, not so good when you need to think! Slow your breathing down and you’re able to think more clearly which will help you decide the next step – do I HAVE to act now – can you take a step back? If so do it! Rushing things when a crisis happens is how things go wrong – from rushing important things at work to rushing out of a building, more often than not mistakes happen and things go wrong, take a step back, get the full picture of what’s happening and then go onto the next step – what are my options – you’ve controlled you’re breathing, you’ve taken a step back and got the full picture or at least important information to be able to figure out what your options are and due to the breathing technique you’re hopefully calm enough to make a informed decision which will turn out a lot better than making a decision when panicking and without having the full picture or full options. Just because something big has happened now it doesn’t mean it needs a big or immediate reaction and just because your plans haven’t gone well it doesn’t mean you can’t step back and make another plan to fit around what’s happened!

The first part of that is about controlling your breathing and that’s why people struggle to see when I’m panicking and only see it when I tell them – or twitter 😂 because controlling your breathing helps you not panic and helps with good decision making 😊

So now you know how I try (but don’t always succeed) to cope with big events and why it’s sometimes difficult to tell when I’m panicking!

Hopefully this will help someone 😊 now I’ve spent an hour doing this my minds stopped racing and I’m able to sleep – distraction technique again 🙈😂

“Empty promises and lies”

Hi all! Apart from my recent “how stress helps me” post I’ve had some time off doing these posts/blogs, unfortunately that doesn’t mean I’ve had time off from my mental health struggles – unfortunately there’s little let up or “time off” from them!

For this post i want to tell you about how my experiences with mental health teams seem to consist of a LOT of lies and empty promises from crisis teams, section 136 assessments and the community mental health team (CMHT) I’ve had empty promises and blatant lies from all of them!

A few weeks ago I was detained under section 136 of the mental health act by the police and eventually taken to a so called “place of safety” where after waiting for hours on end I had a assessment from one doctor and social worker/AMHP, long story short after they assessed me and I convinced them I wasn’t a big enough risk to be further detained to hospital the classic empty promises came, I say “the classic” because I’ve heard them so many times before i no longer hold my breath on anything they say actually happening! “We will get your care coordinator to ring you first thing Monday morning, we’ll get you a urgent appointment with your psychiatrist to discuss your medication and we will send you a letter detailing all of this”

Ha! Yeah right! My care coordinator did contact me – THREE WEEKS LATER! then when i asked her about the “urgent” appointment with the psychiatrist she said it WASN’T referred as urgent and I’ll hear from them in September with a appointment at some point after that!

Oh I nearly forgot something! They also said they’d contact my therapist and tell her that her constant days off and last minute cancellations were affecting me and my trust in her! Guess what? Yeah you’ve probably guessed it by now – that wasn’t done! To this day (a month later) she’s still unaware i was even detained!

The above isn’t a one off either! Unfortunately they say it most times I’m detained and EVERY SINGLE TIME nothing of what they say actually happens – then they wonder why I’m resilient and hostile towards them when I’m detained!

The CMHT are the same as well! When I try to contact my care coordinator or duty team – get told I’ll get a call back the same day and 2 days later i MIGHT get a call and that’s only if I spend the next day phoning them 6+ times and chase them up!

Why are people in crisis made to chase up the people who are supposed to help and support us? Then they have the nerve to tell US we’re not engaging when we can’t attend appointments because of our mental health (you know the same mental health difficulties that they’re supposed to HELP us with but half the time actually make it worse with empty promises and making it seem impossible to actually get help!?)

I speak the truth on both my posts here and in Twitter, i believe that’s the reason a lot of mental health professionals follow me and then drop off like flys! However if there is a mental health professional reading this please, please read the following: before labeling a “client” as not engaging because they’re not well enough to, maybe you should ask yourself “have we been letting this person down” and “should we be supporting this person more rather than labeling them as not engaging and discharging them just because that’s the easier option!” – a bit obvious really and yet professionals seem to take discharging someone so easily! I don’t think you have any idea how that affects us!

As I said above this is my first “proper” post in a while so hopefully it makes sense – I know a few followers on Twitter will be able to relate to the empty promises.

How stress HELPS me..

When you read that title “how stress helps me” you probably wondered how stress can help, well here’s how it helps me personally.

Most people think of stress and having a hectic life as a bad thing but my mind craves that! I’ve been so used to stressful environments growing up that it’s those situations I work best in!

It’s only once the stress and hectic situations stop and I have time to reflect that it all hits me like a tonne of bricks.

Most of you that read this probably follow me on Twitter so you’ll know that recently my little boy has been in hospital due to choking on a bit of plastic that broke of his toy!

Looking back at the situation that unfold that day nothing really hit me until I had to sit down outside resus in the hospital. Ringing the ambulance, clearing his airway, doing CPR and travelling in the ambulance – not once did I lose my cool until I had to sit down and had time to think, it was only then that my mental health suffered, I had a breakdown and ended up on a section 136 for a mental health assessment – nothing came of that but empty promises (as usual!)

I can’t explain why but a big part of me craves stress, craves risk, craves excitement! – as you may well know by following me on Twitter risk and taking last minute chances are the sort of things I love doing!

It’s difficult to explain but stress for me is a good thing as it distracts my brain temporarily, long term it doesn’t help me and that’s something I hope to learn to cope with during my ongoing therapy sessions and upcoming paramedic practice courses at university in September!

That’s it for now folks (as looney tunes would say!), this has been my first blog in a fair few months but hopefully it lives up to expectations 🙈

Why kindness is important: A smurfs story!

From giving me £1 when I’ve been short of change in the shop to talking me down from killing myself, the kindness of strangers has always amazed me and has even saved my life a few times!

I’ve recently been in contact with the local council about a housing problem I’m currently having which had triggered a memory of one such act of kindness that not only helped me find a place when I was homeless but also stopped me from killing myself!

This seemingly random act of kindness started off in early 2012. recently evicted, suffering from undiagnosed PTSD and sleeping on the streets with nothing but a bag of clothes and an army sleeping bag (luckily for me as others don’t even have a sleeping bag!) Life seemed very bleak to say the least.

The day this random act happened I had decided to drag myself and what little belongings I had to the council office to see if they’d help me with the mind set of “if they don’t help me, me and my belongings are going off the cliffs”. Feeling desperate, down and very ashamed of asking for help I stumbled in to the council offices and finally plucked up the courage to ask for help, half hour of filling out paperwork and another half hour of begging for help I got told by the very unhelpful council worker there was nothing they could do!

“There’s nothing we can do as you’re not a priority” was their words! With a big “fuck you” and a load of ranting I walked out of that office with one thing on my mind: suicide.

But as I sat down on the bench outside the council offices debating how and where to do it a lady approached me, a council worker asking me to move on? A police officer coming to arrest me? Nope! A completely random woman approaching me to offer help! “Excuse me did I hear you’re ex forces and experiencing mental health problems” she said, somewhere in my rant to the council officer I must of gave away bits of information about myself! Anyway she explained that the council had a obligation to help me due to my mental health if nothing else and convinced me to go to a charity called “mind” where they may of been able to help me.

Long story short this charity was no use at all but with fresh information in my mind I went back to the council offices and met someone there who was a lot more helpful, this time the council worker arranged some emergency accommodation (a B&B) for me THAT DAY, told me the council do have to help me and what the previous worker said was completely wrong!

One random person, at a random time, with one random act of kindness prevented me from ending it all that day! She didn’t have to help me, she could of ignored me and left me alone like everyone else in that office did but she didn’t and because of that she unintentionally saved my life that day!

That’s just a small example of how important being kind can really be!