It’s been a long time since my last blog, on this one I’m going to attempt to make sense of my latest, most scariest and by far longest psychotic episode, there will be talks of paranoia, delusions, self harm and being detained under MHA sections, so if you’re not in a good place it may be a good idea to postpone this read 🙂
As stated I’m going to attempt to make sense of my latest episode, both for my benefit as writing about it might help me, and for anyone else that may be interested. I’m only just “coming round” to the idea that what I experienced may not of been reality and was indeed part of my illness. Professionals and friends alike tried numerous times during my episode to convince me I was paranoid and delusional, however when I’m so deep into a episode as I was, there’s no talking me round to reality or trying to make me see sense. Infact anyone who tries becomes “part of it”.
To start with, I’m going to introduce you to “someone” called “Katie”, I say “someone” as they don’t have a physical presence, in fact I’ve never met them, but I hear their voice, during the deepest and darkest parts of my psychosis I heard them every day, they were there when it seemed like everyone else had left, which was nice, until they turned nasty, until they started feeding into my paranoia and delusions. This voice is almost like my paranoia and delusions in an audio form, it would convince me that the car that’s just past me is following me, the person walking towards me is a threat and wants to hurt me, the government is plotting against me in a experiment to see how far they can push people and what action affects people and what parts of the brain the action affects, every doubt I had about the above was soon disproved by the voice saying “they want you to doubt yourself, they want you to think they’re part of a illness but they’re real, you need to stop them”.. before I knew it “katie” was running the show, running my life, and I was a passenger and main character in an out of control real life horror show.
I’m not sure when things started going drastically wrong, it seems like one day I was hypomanic, full of life, enjoying life and having a blast, the next things had turned scary, I was being followed, plotted against, the devil was walking the earth in disguise as Boris Johnson and I was the person who could kill him.. but at the same time I needed to get to him without the people who were following me knowing. I became fixated on avoiding these people, I started staying out all day and night, travelling, hiding, going to remote locations, turning my phone off and back on in random places to try and confuse the people tracking me. Everything else in my life was shoved to one side.. all of a sudden I was on the run and hiding from.. Well I didn’t know! Or maybe I did at the time 🤷♂️ at the time I’m sure it all made perfect sense, but looking back at it i have major memory gaps, i don’t know what’s happened to the last 3ish months, I remember running though.. I remember being scared of them and then sometimes excited, I remember enjoying the thrill of it.. then being scared of them hurting people close to me.. I remember it being very, very chaotic.
As I said, I have memory gaps, but there’s 2 things that happened during my episode that I can’t forget.. I can’t forget being detained under a section 2 of the mental health act, in part due to the paperwork I have (the goodish side to my paranoia is I requested my medical notes I’m a vain hope that I’d uncover some big conspiracy 😅) and also in part due to the amount of photos and tweets I took/sent when I was in hospital, I remember being very frustrated, I remember trying, and failing, to blockade myself in the room so “they” couldn’t get to me and poison me.. I remember smashing the room up which I’m pretty sure was the reason I gor discharged (don’t try THAT at home.. or at hospital 🙈🤦♂️).. the second thing I can’t forget comes with a massive **T.W**…. self harm.. I am ashamed to admit I have 2 rather long scars where I tried to cut out the tracking chip in my arm.. spoiler alert; there’s no tracking chip in my arm.. not yet anyway 🙈😅
Remembering the above and realising how bad I got is scary, I don’t ever want to get into another episode like that again, there’s a chance I’ll never fully remember what happened and never know what triggered it, which sucks, I’m also finding myself arguing with.. myself 🤔 being unsure of what’s real and what’s not, but I’m challenging everything which can’t be bad! I’m not 100% fixed on any particular idea or thought, and I’ve agreed to start a low dose of anti psychotics to see if they help, if it starts to help I know that being followed ect was indeed down to my paranoia, if they don’t help… Well we’ll cross that bridge if it comes to it, and I’m sure if I experience another episode the people of twitter will soon realise 🙈 God, my tweets get.. strange! 😅🤔🙈
Anyhow, I’m going to end this blog here! Not sure if anyone will read it but if you do, do let me know what you think and if its a good insight.. trying to put everything that happened during what was probably my worse episode ever, into words, is extremely difficult 😕
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